Just… seriously. Get the fuck over it. Yeah, there’s a film you really, really like. Maybe it defined your childhood, maybe it got you through a time of difficulty in your life or maybe it’s just a film you consider one of the all-time classics. Good for you. We all have films we love but then along comes some asshole in a suit who hasn’t had an original thought in his boss-pleasing, yes-man life and he’s decided it’d be a good idea (read: Ka-ching!) to take another swing at your cherished film. Remake, re-imagine, reboot, recycle – whatever the term-de-jour happens to be, they’re going to get that writer of some Sundance indie flick you never saw, attach a director who has only ever made music videos (did you see his last one? It went viral!) and cast a bunch of unknowns with more enthusiasm than talent, two currently hot TV actors who’ll return to the small screen with their tails between their legs after the film bombs and one fading legend destined to pop his clogs with this turd at the end of their illustrious résumé.
It’ll be shit. We all know it. Sure, it’ll do well, with the fans of the original propping up the numbers along with the regular popcorn munchers but it’ll never be more than a nice try. To top it off, it’ll probably be in ‘3D!’ too because we all know the mindless fuckwits out there gobble that shit right up.
But… so what?
This is my problem. Whenever a remake is announced and yon fansites post the news, you’re guaranteed that 99% of the comments that follow the article will display a subtle “you muthafuckers shot my dog!” type of vibe. The wailing and gnashing of teeth, the how-dare-theys and clichéd ‘noooooooooooooo’s will be deafening. There’s just a few little things I want to point out to those idiots.
- You’re not being forced to watch the remake. No-one is holding a gun to your head. Mr. A Hole isn’t going to jet over a platoon of besuited thugs to frog-march you into your local cinema, strap you down and Clockwork Orange your ass into seeing this flick. There’s a very good chance that you could probably go your entire life without ever seeing the remake.
- The original will not cease to exist once the remake is made. Easy one to forget. Keep checking your DVD/Blooo-ray collection during the development and upon release of the film and I’ll almost certainly guarantee that your beloved film will not vanish. I say ‘almost certainly’ because the type of moron we’re talking about here probably loses shit on a daily basis so spontaneous evaporation of prized possessions is not completely off the books. But my point is, even when this turkey is released, the original will still be around, available and still standing head and shoulders above the weak pretenders to the throne.
- It might be… good? Okay, so chances are it’ll define new depths to which celluloid can sink but there’s always the ever-so-small chance that it might not suck. And even if it isn’t the best thing since freeze-dried instant happiness, it might just be different enough to be entertaining in it’s own right. Remember, Cronenberg’s ‘The Fly‘ and Carpenter’s ‘The Thing‘ are both essentially remakes.
On top of all that, they’re forgetting one of the most important upsides – once the film comes out and their friends go see it, they’ll be able to prance around saying “It’s not nearly as good as the original” with a few “Oh, you haven’t seen the original? You should. You really should!” thrown in for good measure. Yeah, they’ll be able to feel superior off of that doozy for good month or two.
So, when you hear about a remake of a film you consider to be a classic, take a couple of deep breaths, calm your mind and for a change of pace, shut the fuck up.